Remember when Lincoln’s and Washington’s birthdays were separate holidays? Now we lump them into one day, throw a couple of “white sales,” and call it Presidents Day.
We’ve had 44 presidents here in the U.S., and we only really remember a few of them. But Presidents Day is plural for a reason. It’s not a day to just celebrate the marquee names, like the guys who get carved into Rushmore—but the lesser ones, who may’ve been just as memorable, albeit not always in ways worthy of getting a mug shot on currency.
Here are 5 presidents we think are worth toasting this Monday. They aren’t the subjects of Spielberg-directed movies and don’t get best-selling biographies. But in their own small ways, they had remarkable lives and careers.
1. James Buchanan, the 15th.
He was the president right before right before Lincoln. But more impressively, he was our only bachelor president. From 1857 to 1861, he could walk up to any U.S. citizen and whisper into their ear, “Wanna see where Jefferson slept?” Think about that! The most powerful man in the free world, with an entire White House as his private sex dungeon.
It’s rumored that Buchanan was gay, which only makes him that much cooler. Imagine him dismissing his staff, and then doing unspeakable things to a twink intern on the Oval Office rug.
2. Franklin Delano Roosevelt, the 32nd President.
He rolled like a boss, kicked ass in World War II, and pulled the country out of the Great Depression. He was the only President to be elected four times, so he’s the closet thing we ever had to a king. And he did it all while sitting down. Think about that the next time somebody tells you that sitting is bad for you. Oh yeah? If sitting is so bad, how come you only see pictures of Hitler standing, and yet Roosevelt kicked his fascist ass?
3. Woodrow Wilson, the 28th President.
This dude created the League of Nations. Seriously, the motherfucking League of Nations. Stan Lee and J.J. Abrams wish they created something as cool as the League of Nations. There’s no way you create something with a name like “League of Nations” and it’s not a cover for a secret organization of mutant superheroes.
It’s been claimed that he suffered a massive stroke and that’s why he was absent for a couple years of his presidency. How do we know Wilson wasn’t out fighting for justice and the American way? Maybe he was the Professor X of the League of Nations, and the stroke story was just a cover, because he was battling his Magneto, which I guess was probably Henry Cabot Lodge.
4. Gerald Ford, the 38th President.
What’s so funny about peace, love, and understanding? He golfed, he laughed on camera, he fell down, he pardoned Nixon, and he generally just chilled out. He was the first and only person to fall backwards into the Vice Presidency and the Presidency. He was never elected to either. He’s just an athletic dude from Michigan who probably enjoyed a good Motor City Madman concert.
He was a football player who was offered a roster spot on both the Lions and the Packers, but chose Yale Law School instead. Wouldn’t you? I mean it’s the Lions and the Packers. And you know his wife was a hell of a party animal before she started the clean-up clinic.
He was only President from 1974-1977, but received all the benefits of those who stressed over a full eight years in the Oval office. Then, after losing to Jimmy Carter, he headed back to Palm Springs to hang with Bob Hope and grab 18.
5. James Madison, the 4th President
We should be celebrating him, not just because he signed the Declaration of Independence, or sat on the Constitutional Congress, or got us involved in the 1812 War. He should be celebrated because his wife, Dolley, was a piece of ass for the ages. She was vivacious, attractive, and loved to show off the “girls,” if you know what we mean. She was the Kim Kardashian of her time, with all the scandal that came with it.
Remember when a drone crashed on the South Lawn of the White House last month, and it was reported like a terrorist attack? When Madison was in office, British troops actually set fire to the White House, forcing the president and his hard-partying wife to leave—because, you know, the other option was being burned alive……….
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